Jimmy got through his door just before his shopping bag ripped under the weight of all the snow that had got into it, spilling all his canned foods for the winter, in case he was snowed in, all over the floor. The downpour of snow flew in through the door and onto the mat. Jimmy pushed it, but the wind blew it back open blowing snow into his face. He pushed it until it was shut properly and pulled down his hood as an avalanche of snow fell off it onto the carpet. He walked to the kitchen – at least he assumed that’s what was happening, the kitchen was getting closer but as he could no longer feel his toes he had no idea what his feet were doing.
He unloaded the cans of food into the cupboard and put the frozen stuff into the freezer, warming his hands on the freezer door because it was warmer than it was outside. He poured himself a hot drink and trudged to the living room. He sat on the sofa and turned the TV on.
BBC Breaking News reported that it was snowing. “Ya, don’t fucking say,” said Jimmy. He turned to ITV news who were reporting that due to the snow people were having trouble getting into work – it was just an empty chair behind the desk and in front of a backdrop of London covered in snow. He switched back to the BBC.
“And schools right across the country have been forced to close because people just cant make it in today exams. The Eurostar train has failed again, it is unsure whether this is because of the snow or the French seeing a lot of foreigners coming towards their country and surrendered instantly,” said Huw Edwards.
“The BBC faces another decency row after a newsreaders script was replaced with a racist joke about the French. Snow continues to be a problem on the roads as the motorways have ground to a halt and fears have been expressed that there will not be enough salt to put on the road. Apparently gallons of salt have been wasted because every time the council pours salt over a road, they throw a tonne of it over their shoulder for good luck. In other news Gordon is a moron, Dave is one of the lads isn’t he, he’s been seen out in the snow wearing a hoodie, a spokesman said ‘we in the Tory party think this is the kind of fashionable hip thing that the kids are wearing these days’ and Nick Clegg has had a biscuit and a cup of tea to keep warm in the snow.
“And now the weather with Daniel Corbett. Daniel I assume the advice is to wrap up warm. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” laughed Huw, journalists spend the first nine months of their training learning to laugh hysterically at their own bits of banter that aren’t even jokes. Contrary to what the press reported at the time, Moira Stuart was not fired for being old, a woman or black but because she once introduced the weather forecaster with something ever so slightly amusing. It is standard practice for the weatherman to laugh along even though he too, realises the joke is crap.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” continued Huw, but Daniel Corbett did not laugh. He was fuming.
“You bastard,” he growled.
Since this was not funny, Huw assumed it was part of the amusing banter and laughed. “Well I think you’ll find my father is still very much alive,” was his ‘witty’ response, but Daniel was crying.
“You utter bastard! I wanted to report the snow. Weather is my job!! Do you hear me telling people about Iraq? No! So just….fuck off!”
“Well I’m sorry Dan,” said Huw, “but just get on with it would you, these people are only tuned in because the One Show is on next. I’m really very sorry.”
“That’s alright Huw,” cried Daniel, “Just enjoy your coffee.”
“Thanks,” said Huw, “Actually it’s a mocha…”
“Don’t care Huw!” said Daniel, “Now the weather today is it’s snowing. So instead of a map we’re just going to show some pictures you sent in of snow. This one of a big field full of snow in….well that could be anywhere really, was sent to us by Joe in Derby. This one of a young lady lying in the snow making a snow angel was sent in by Lucy from South Hampton. And this one of a young lady lying in the snow was sent in by Detective constable Thomas Bramble, who says anyone who saw anything, it would be most helpful, she’s been dead for sometime now. Looking ahead to tomorrow-“
He was cut off by a groan of pain as Huw Edwards staggered across the screen, pulling down the blue screen. “What have you done?” he struggled.
“Poisoned the coffee,” said Daniel, “nobody fucks with a weatherman.”
“Actually it’s a mocha…”
“Don’t care Huw,” said Daniel.
“And now,” struggled Huw, “over to James Munro with the sports news to avenge my death.”
“Yeah,” said James as Huw’s lifeless face hit the floor, “you fucking weathermen! Telling people it’s gonna be hard to get to the footy whenever it snows. That’s my job.” The camera struggled to keep up with them as James smacked Daniel around the studio while reporting on the latest Millwall game. Nobody was that offended by the violence as they assumed it was just a enactment of the crowd at The Den.
Jimmy wrote an angry letter to the Daily Mail about the amount of violence on the BBC – he wrote “I watched Big Top with Amanda Holden the other day and feel that everyone involved in the making of this program should be the victim of much more violence” – and then turned over to ITV.
“This is Chris Ship, in Oxfordshire signing off,” said the senior political correspondent as his face fell into the snow and his cold dead eyes froze over. Before ITV weather presenter Sian Lloyd stamped on his head. The perfect kill. She’d imagined doing it to Lembit Opik many times since he had run off with the cheeky girls. “Back to you in the studio,” she said to the camera rather confidently, and why not? As she herself had reported the roads were gridlocked because of the snow and the cops would never get to her.
It cut back to the studio as Sir Trevor McDonald, soaked in blood arrived at his desk, “Sorry,” he said, “someone cut the breaks of my car. In the news today,” he continued trying to recover, but weather girl Becky Heald was dropping heavy metallic objects onto his head making an incredible noise as he spoke, it sounded like his. DONG “Snow continues to grip most of the country and salt supplies run low.” DONG “Education secretary Ed Balls had warned that many exams may have to postponed, possibly until the summer.” DONG “BBC in decency scandal after anti-French comment on BBC news.” DONG “Tories say they will cut NHS queues in half by making people stand closer together.” The theme tune played and was ended by another DONG which killed Trevor McDonald.
Jimmy switched over to BBC3, whose 60 seconds news program was on. As the line across the top got ever shorter as the program went on, Jimmy realised it was attached to a bomb.
Channel 4 issued an urgent warning to their presenters asking them not to mention the weather for fear of being murdered, however when John Snow introduced himself there was a moment of confusion during which he was murdered. “Yeah…we’re sorry about that,” said a Met Office Spokesman.
The next day all the newsreaders were dead and there was no one to report that fact except Natasha Kapplinski, she had gone to Channel Five some years ago and as a result everyone had forgotten she ever existed, it’s what’s known as the Channel 5 effect.